This Tiny Thing Is a Massive Predictor of Divorce, According to an Expert
And it's not about sex, money, or arguing.
I'm now a 33-year-old woman living in the suburbs. Setting up a birdhouse outside my home office window is a rite of passage.
Every time I see movement above my laptop, I glance up to find one of two things: either a bird, or a squirrel.
If it's the former, I say, "Look how red that cardinal is!" or "Wow, is that a woodpecker?" or "I've never seen a bird with a yellow tummy before," or "Oh my god, it's so tiny!"
If it's the latter, I say, "Are you kidding me!? These little fuckers are mutants. We need a different baffle."
Either way, my partner looks, reacts, and positively engages
It's one of my favorite things about him — especially since I know that some people aren't so lucky.
Take, for example, the woman who recorded this TikTok. She and her husband went to a movie, which turned out to be way better than she expected. Afterwards, they got dinner, and she was chomping at the bit to sit down and discuss.
"[The movie] was so good. I was so excited to talk about it, and he looks at me dead in my face and says, 'It was just a movie.' I immediately stopped talking. The more I sat there and thought about it, I start crying. [… And when he finally apologized, he said] 'You're right, I'm sorry. I love when you get excited. It's just annoying sometimes.'"
To some people, this might not seem like a big deal. To anyone who's ever felt emotionally shut down in their relationships, it's a massive deal.
In fact, women in her comments section are saying things like:
- "Been there and divorced him."
- "You know what's not painful? Living alone."
- "The way I'd rather die single than have this kind of 'love' find me."
- "Your happiness bothers him. There is some veiled hatred there. Whatever his journey is you deserve a partner who enjoys you."
Believe it or not, this simple gesture (or lack thereof) is one of the biggest predictors of divorce.
Moments like these are called "bids for connection"
One partner is trying to connect through affirmation, emotion, attention, or affection, and the other has a choice: They can either turn towards it, or away from it.
That woman's husband? He blatantly turned away from it. Typically, women make more bids for connection than men, and men may struggle to recognize a bid and respond accordingly due to difficulty interpreting subtle emotional cues.
Psychologist and relationship expert John Gottman researched the concept and found that couples who accepted each other's bids stayed together much longer than couples who didn't:
"Dr. John Gottman conducted a study with newlyweds, then followed up with them six years later. […] The couples that stayed married were much better at one thing: [accepting bids for connection by turning towards each other]. At the six-year follow-up, couples that stayed married turned towards one another 86% of the time. Couples that divorced averaged only 33% of the time."
That's a pretty big gap for such a seemingly minor thing — but if you're familiar with the neuroscience of attachment, it makes perfect sense.
When our brains are developing as babies, the oxytocin–vasopressin pathway helps us form attachments to our parents. These hormones fire during breastfeeding, touch, eye contact, facial mirroring, shared laughter, and moments of emotional connection.
If a caretaker consistently responds to the baby's noises, cues, and needs, the baby feels safe and connected. If they don't, the baby learns that connection isn't something they can count on, and is likely to struggle with anxiety, insecurity, isolation, and avoidance.
Guess when the oxytocin–vasopressin pathway gets reactivated in adulthood? Yep. In your romantic relationships.
When our partners turn away from us in a moment of connection, we instantly regress into vulnerable, ignored newborns.
What constitutes a bid for connection?
Basically, any time a partner requests attention, affection, or help through words or body language, that's a bid for connection. They're often small moments that are easy to miss — but they have the potential to make or break your relationship.
- You make a joke. Your partner can either laugh or roll their eyes.
- You start a conversation. Your partner can either engage or stare past you at the TV.
- You ask to play your favorite board game. Your partner can either enthusiastically agree, or say "Again? It's so boring."
- You tell them you had a weird dream. Your partner can either ask about it or gloss over it.
- You're clearly overwhelmed with a task. Your partner can either help you or ignore you.
- You ask, "How was your day?" Your partner can either tell you about it or shrug it off and say, "Fine."
- You request help with the kids or pets. Your partner can either jump in or act annoyed/clueless.
- You lean into them on the couch. Your partner can either put their arm around you or shift uncomfortably.
- You grab their hand in public. Your partner can either squeeze it or shake you loose.
- You ask how you look. Your partner can either give you a genuine compliment or a dismissive grunt.
- You invite them to run errands with you or go on a walk. Your partner can either come or make up an excuse.
When it comes to bids for connection, it's never just about birds and board games. It's about presence and connection. It's about engaging the parts of your partner's brain that make them feel safe and seen.
Over time, these tiny reactions stack up. You can choose to create something secure and solid — or you can quietly teach each other that your joy, curiosity, and needs are too much.
I just signed with a literary agent to represent my memoir, "Numb, Party of One," which is currently out on submission to publishing houses — please check it out at www.mariacassano.com/numb.
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